Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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