walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
