my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize
