So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
