Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My balls are so social today.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
