The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
