who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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