so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
