It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
