a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
