...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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