I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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