The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
