That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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