i need an iv and a liver transplant
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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