Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
