If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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