Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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