Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
