So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
