Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
