just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Randomize
