just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
