Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
