You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
