i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
All I want is dick and wine.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
