There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Randomize
