Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
