I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
