I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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