Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
