Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
