She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
