I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
you win again, gameday.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
