I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
