i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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