Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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