I just made out with a guy for $7.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
