We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
