You're a womanizer and a bitch.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
