every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
