the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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