Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
