if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
