you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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