so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
