Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
