Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
