new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
