I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
