What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
